On November the 5, 2002 I kissed and hugged my oldest grandson
goodbye for the last time. He was going shopping, That was the last time I seen him alive.
Sometime during that day my grandson died of a heroin overdose. His body was found dead in
my car the next day. The sad part is that the boy who was with him and the one that bought
the heroin left him there to die. He ran. He did not call for help. He just wanted to save
his own self. Another sad thing about this is that my grandson Joe had been clean since
August the 16th 2002. He had no intentions of going for drugs until he met up with this
boy. This boy is not aware that I found out the real story. I am not blaming him for Joe
taking the drug. I blame him for his death. He could have called 911 instead of calling
someone to come and pick him up. He did not even have to return to the car where my
grandson sat dying. Just make a 911 call. My grandson sat dying in my car, his body was
not found for over twenty-four hours later.
I guess the truth of the matter is I lost my grandson four years
ago when he started using everyday. He had experimented with drugs since he was sixteen.
He told me it was his way to escape. I guess he was trying to escape from reality. These
were stories he would tell me when he was clean or while he was going through his
withdrawals. He would talk to me for hours. And he had personal problems that he used for
starting on drugs. He told me the first time he tried drugs was when he was sixteen. It
was in his secret room in the basement where he lived; he and another friend were going to
see how it made them feel. He said it kept him from being afraid and it helped him sleep.
He also had a deep feeling of rejection.
Joe tried so many times to get clean. He would stay clean for a
few week's, than I would notice all the old signs and bad habits back again. I had put Joe
in rehab four different times. When he came home he would do fine. He would call some of
his previous friends but they would never call back or they had other excuses. They were
clean and didn't really want to get or be around heroin, so they stayed away. They didn't
know he was trying to stay clean. And I don't blame any of them for that. Than after
awhile it was back to the addicts that he called friends and soon I would see all the
familiar drug signs back again. So we would try again. Days with no sleep, rubbing his
aching body, hot baths the whole works. I would get so tired that I tied my belt from my
robe around our ankles so that if he tried to sneak out it would wake me.
He would be so sick and hurting that he would beg me to shot him.
He wanted to die. It hurt that badly. I wish everyday that I could have taken his pain.
Maybe than he would of stayed off of heroin. Nobody knew what we were going through and
nobody offered to help other than his brother when they found out. But I didn't want
Justin to see him like that and nor did he. So we did it on our own again. It was pure
hell! Watching somebody you love hurt so bad. I guess I was the only one that knew how
hard he was trying. I held him when he cried when he was hurting and I was here when he
needed me. I listened when he wanted someone to talk to when nobody else would. I heard
many of his secrets. We had a very special bond. I do believe that I am the only one that
knew just how bad his heart was broken and the reasons why. Many things that Joe told me I
will take to my grave. I don't want anyone else to hurt more than they already do.
A lot of people turned their backs on Joe. He wasn't allowed to
stay overnight at their house he wasn't allowed to even visit at times. And this was
because of the heroin use. They didn't want their things to go missing like mine did. And
I told him the reason. Heroin was his main concerns and need.
He would be bored and want something to do, so he would make a
phone call to a relative and be told " It wasn't a good time for him to come over. He
asked, what about tomorrow. He was told to call first and he would let him know. He
thought that they just didn't want him around. And he would get all teary eyed. It would
be another heartache for Joe. I never did turn my back on Joe. A family member told me
that if I didn't put Joe out that I would not be able to baby sit my great granddaughter,
who I had been taking care of at the time. {They took her away.} It hurt very badly at
first, but I survived. This also hurt Joe. He talked about it for days. And thanked me. He
said he would find some place to go. I told him no. This was his home and I would not put
him out. At least I knew where he was and that he was not hungry or cold.
Joe also used his brother's name in several Emergency rooms all
over the city. He used his name when he got pulled over for speeding. That was because his
brother is in the Marines. To this day I am still paying to clear up that mess. He stole
money, jewelry, checks, coin collections, knife collections and God only knows what else.
I am still finding things gone. This was not my grandson doing this. It was Heroin. My
grandson died an addict but he was not born one. Like he told me "after you once use
Heroin you can't stop'. That nobody but himself was to blame for his addiction. That after
he tried it he couldn't stop. I will except any blame that I have coming. But I am only
guilty of loving my grandson and trying to be there for him. The same goes for his
brother. Joe loved Justin more than anything in this world. And he would have never hurt
him if it weren't for heroin.
His last few weeks on this earth we were trying to get all of the
mess cleared up that he had caused his brother. And if need be, he was willing to go to
jail for what he did to his brother. But he died before that could all be resolved. I will
get things done for him. It may take me awhile but it will be taken care of. And I will do
whatever it takes’s to finish Joe's wish. And I will do whatever I can to help get
the drug dealers off the street. And to help anyone I can to get off of drugs and stay
clean. I know that is what Joe would have wanted.
I know that God has plans for us all. I try to understand but it
is so hurtful to wake up knowing that I won't see that smirk smile today or get a hug and
a kiss or be told "I love you"". Those were the things I got everyday and
will miss everyday for the rest of my life.
I was told at Joe's funeral "That I was partly to blame for
Joe's death." That person didn't even know Joe. She said she tried to get him in AA.
Joe was an addict not an alcoholic. So it was easy for me to over look her ignorance. And
it was rather odd that not one call was made here to ask how he was doing or if they could
help. But they could all give their performance at his funeral.
HEROIN takes away so many loved ones. It brings so much pain to
families and friends. And causes problems between them. The hurt is so bad. Know that it
will never go away. Why don't these drug dealers look around at what they are doing? They
are each and everyone of them murderer's. The same as if they were using a gun. They pull
the triggers. And I hope they know they are all going to pay for what they are doing some
day. May they all burn in hell's great fires for what they are doing. Killing people every
day and getting away with it. Well they can't escape God.
Heroin Addicts have tried over and over again to get clean. It
works for awhile and then you hear that they died from a HERION overdose. There has to be
something that we can do. I never realized that HERION has killed so many so young and a
few not so young. I didn't realize all of this until we lost Joe. And as sad as it is, we
survivors will hurt for the rest of our lives. All we have are some beautiful memories of
those we loved with all our hearts. And a picture frame with a smiling face.
Please if you read this and are doing drugs please stop. You are
not only killing yourself; you are killing a part of everyone that loves you. You are
wasting your life. Joe won't be here in person to see his brother that he loved so much
come home from the war he was just in. He will never see his niece grow up. And this could
happen to you. And to your family. I know how hard it is; I've been there. Ask for help,
pray for strength from God to help you. Believe in miracles. I have a very close friend
that I made since Joe's death. He helps me through the bad times. He is there for me and I
try to be for him. He also lost his only son to a Heroin overdose, he was also found in
his car. And only a few days after my grandson and only a few blocks away. So we have a
lot in common. And I thank God everyday for my newfound friend and his wife. If the truth
were known he most probably is responsible for me not being in prison or a sanitarium
today. I feel in my heart that he was God sent. Him and his wife were my miracle. Your
family may not be as fortunate as I am. I thank God for them everyday and pray that all
our hurt will ease soon. PLEASE! PLEASE! Get help any way you can. Look under
{www.ahdad.org} you can find help there. And I know if you pray God will help you if you
try to help yourself.
My Message to Joe
Dear Joe,
We had a special bond that so many were envious of. Honey you
touched so many lives and you were loved by so many. So few really let you know. Your
relationship with your brother was unbelievable and remarkable; he never gave up on you
either. Sometimes he acted like the older brother. {Smile} I hope you know that I was very
proud to be your grandma. Not a day in my life goes by that you are not in my thoughts. We
were close. I visit you often but it's not the same. I keep waiting for you to call me to
come and get you. But the phone doesn't ring like it did when you were home. And the house
is very lonely now. Nobody comes around. A couple of your true friends still call and come
by. Duffy comes over and helps when he has the time. And Fookie call's and comes by when
he's in town.
I miss holding you when you were sick or would need your head
rubbed or your back scratched. I miss our talks and your stories good and bad. The only
solace I have is knowing that you are no longer fighting the demons that we fought
together many times. You are now at peace and God has given you rest. There is no more
temptation and no more hurt.
You left a hole in our hearts that can never be filled. And a lump
in our throats that won't go away. I know you are with me forever. Until I see you again,
I have some beautiful memories. You are with all of us that loved you so much. You will
never be forgotten. My days are now filled with emptiness and loneliness and constant hurt
in my heart.
Joe nobody knows how hard you tried to stay clean. And I still
feel in my heart that you would be here today if Ernie had not ran off and left you. I am
still working on that and I won't stop until I find out the real story. This I promise you
Joe.
You're in Heaven now where you're at peace and your soul can rest.
Honey you had so many friends at your funeral. Yet you would sit
here and tell me how lonely and bored you were. You would call people and they would never
have time for you even when you were trying to do well.
I found this on the Internet and it fit us perfect. And a person
named Lizzy wrote it. I remember when you and Fookie use to call me Lizzy than laugh and
run before I got the wooden spoon. {Smile} I seen this and thought, "that's our story
too."
You let me down
And I was never disappointed in you.
You lied to me
And I still trusted in you
You failed
And I still kept my faith in you.
You yelled at me
And I held you.
You could have been anyone you wanted to be and
You were an addict; and I was still proud.
You left me
And I still held your hand.
You died
And I still love you.
You were loved more than you ever knew
Your demons are gone now Joe. So rest in peace. I'll see you soon.
And I thank God for lending you to us for the short 26 years that we had. I keep
remembering what gramma Tindle use to tell me. MEMORIES ARE ONE GREAT GIFT FROM GOD THAT
DEATH CAN NOT DISTROY. And I have found out how true it is. You use to tell me how sorry
you were. I forgave you many times Joe. I was glad you went to N.C. to see Justin and
Mindi. Even if you did take the scenic route. Now I'm glad you got to visit all the places
you chose as you were going and coming. {Smile}
I remember how you bragged about all the places you looked at.
While I sat here at home wondering where you were and why it was taking you so long to get
there. Justin told me of some of your little shows you put on. Justin got deployed in
January. He was fighting in An Nasiriyah. I got a letter from him and he wrote "Don't
worry about me gramma, I am alright. Nobody has hurt me. Everything will be fine. Joe
looks over me. He's not only got my back…He's got my front. That also broke my heart
to know he was over there fighting for his country and hurting so bad because you were
gone. He loves you Joe, with all his heart. And I tell you all about things when I come to
your grave.
In my heart I know you now have the peace that you fought so hard
for. And I know you were ready to go this time. Not like the other three times we found
you here at home with the needles still in your body. You weren't ready those times. But
in my heart I know you made your peace with God and he just took you home. I was so glad
that you and Jack made your peace too. The arguing was because of the drugs and stealing.
I was thankful that you told him you were sorry. This time he really did believe you.
Thank you sweetheart. Rest in peace Joe. I will see you soon so you wait by the river.
Remember? And you can check out those Three Wooden Crosses!
Joe left behind his mother, dad, Sister Jennie, Brother Justin and
niece Kayla and many friends that also love and miss him very much. He will live in our
heart's forever. And now he is Sheltered In The Arm's of God.
I will Love and Miss you forever Sweetheart.
Gramma
Now Joe I have another message for you. Jack {step grandpa} passed
away on Saturday June the 14th. Seven months and nine days after you left us. I want you
to look after each other until I get there. It is very quite here in this house that use
to be a home. But I have good memories and I know that you are both looking after me for a
change. {SMILE} You both will always be in my heart, thoughts and prayers. Give each other
a big hug for me. And I will see you guys by the river.
Music by:
Joseph
E. Unger
